We’ve all heard the familiar saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” We learn it when we are young, in hopes of developing a means to protect us from the harmful effects of playground insults. Sadly, though, we all have at least one memory of a cutting phrase that has stuck with us, leaving painful wounds that continue to affect us today.
Why does that happen? Why do phrases have such control over us? Modern researchers have begun to pick apart this phenomenon, calling it the “chemistry of conversations.” Evidence suggests that harsh remarks pointed in our direction trigger hormones that create very real physical and mental sensations of distress, and the presence of these hormones can have lasting effects.
There is immense power in our words. Nowhere is this more apparent than in marriage. What if we took the time to strengthen our spouses and build them up with constructive words? If you aren’t sure where to start, try these:
1. I’m Proud Of You
The feeling of being empowered by others reinforces the idea that we can succeed at projects, are whole persons capable of setting and achieving goals, and that those who are proud of us trust us. Looking for things your spouse is doing and offering them praise creates the opportunity to show them you notice their efforts, and it prevents you from being overly self-interested in a way that can lead to emotionally neglecting your significant other.
2. Thank You
Don’t be tempted to gloss over this one; it’s also backed by research. When you say “thanks,” it won’t mean much without intentionally and sincerity. What has your spouse done that makes you and your relationship better? Is it bringing you coffee? Swinging by the grocery store to pick up a few necessary items? Is it their willingness to move across the country for your new job? Whatever it may be, it deserves a specific and honest “Thank you.”
3. I Feel Loved When ______
Just as important as reinforcing our partner is learning how to help our partner support us. A marriage takes two people, and often we fall victim to the assumption that our spouse knows exactly what to say or do to care for us like we want. Why not take a moment to kindly express a few ways they can show you they care. Then ask them what you can do to make them feel loved.
4. I’m Sorry
When we are in the early stages of dating or marriage, it’s easy to be polite and kind. After all, we have got to put our best foot forward and make a good impression! However, over time it is easy to become focused on our preferences and wrestle with issues like pride. Saying “I’m sorry” is like getting a shot –– we may be tempted to resist it, but it's always for our benefit. Sincere apologies remind our spouses that we care about their feelings, and they remind us that real love requires laying down our pride.
5.You Give Me Butterflies
“You look good!” “I want you.” “You’re breathtaking.” “You’re so handsome.” Say it however you want, just make sure you say it, and say it often. Maybe you’ve been married for eight months or 28 years. However long you’ve been together, letting your spouse know that you still find them attractive and appealing boosts their confidence and helps maintain a connection in the bedroom, something important for all married couples to keep alive.
T.D. Jakes is a charismatic leader, visionary, provocative thinking, entrepreneur and compassion humanitarian with a voice that has reverberated from the worlds most prominent stages. His look at life comes from the perspective of a father, a student, a pastor and a friend. His daytime talk show will be premiering this fall across the nation.
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